Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
