Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
