she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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