If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
