Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
