When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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