the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
