I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
