I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
