now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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