weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
