so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize