and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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