You can't motorboat a personality
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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