when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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