My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
