I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
