Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
