Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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