your thong is hanging out like whoa
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
