It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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