captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
