I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
