I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
