went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
