Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
