I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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