I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize