Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
