Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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