Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
