My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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