so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
