i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
