i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
