Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
