I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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