I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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