Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
