I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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