sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
