Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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