anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have aggressive nipples.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
