his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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