i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
