a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
