i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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