his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
