i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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