If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
