Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
