I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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