I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
