just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
