Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
