I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ladies don't puke and tell
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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