I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize