so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
