so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
