if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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